The Missing Letter

I have no more words.
Let the soul speak
With the silent articulation
of a face.

– Rumi

 

Sam (3/2/98 – 4/30/07) 

He is the missing letter from every one of my words.
And, he is the lost words that I seek.

Though words never can truly describe his essence, the sound of his voice, his wit, his loves, his promise, his unrealized potential…

He is my possible, my dream.
My alternate reality, my quiet.
My left side, my tolerant heart.
My hope for peace, a better ending.

He’s my awareness, my stay in the moment.
My patience—in this space where I wait.
My mystery, my future.
My sight beyond this lifetime.
My unknown, my tears, my smile.
My “What would life be like if…”

He is my humor, my ability to laugh.
At my cluelessness.
And the absurdity of it all.
♥

To the nines

“Form is exactly emptiness, emptiness exactly form.”

Buddhist “Heart of Perfect Wisdom Sutra”

---

Sam.

It is the year of the Monkey, the ninth of twelve animals in the Chinese zodiac cycle. And, the ninth year of living without you—and your monkey-hugs.

I had you for nine birthdays, nine years. Nine photos on a wall. And now, you’ve been gone for nine years. How can it be? That I had you for as long as I have not had you.

1998

2000

2001

2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

You would be turning eighteen! You’d be graduating in a few months; you would be driving with your brother to school each day; you’d be sitting in the fourth chair at dinnertime; you’d be laughing, flirting, texting, dating; you’d be telling stories, reenacting every hilarious detail; you would be staying up late, and Reggie, your dog, now old and gray, would be curled beside you, snoring and content; you would be….

I suppose the “would-be’s” will continue as long as I am here without you, balancing form and emptiness. And finding within me the courage, the way you did, to continue and never give up.

Reggie, my heart therapy

December, 2005, Sam, Joey & Reggie

He sees me

June 27, 2014. He loves a freshly cut lawn. He does a down-dog-stretch before squeezing through the rectangular flap of a door. Outside. Sniffing a path, he finds a patch of sun and flops onto his side. Lying still for a minute, he soaks up the warmth then rolls onto his stomach. Sphinx-like, his front legs out, chest high, ears alert, nose twitching, reading the air. He starts when a dragonfly skips by him, and I laugh. I’ve been watching him from the patio, learning from him how to be in the moment. He sees me and stands up, tail wagging. Making his way back through his magnetic door, he prances over to me and presents himself for a back rub.

I knead him from ear to tail. How’re you feeling today, Reggie? He is entranced. When I stop, he licks my hand. More, please. So I continue, and he seems to smile. I check beneath his fur. The infected lesions are healed, but the scabs can still be felt along the length of his spine.

I took him to the vet in May, a few weeks after I posted this:

I got my coffee and noticed then, that my dog was staring up at me with big apologetic eyes. Not for the death of my fridge, I’m pretty sure. Although he does sense when I’m sad or stressed. No, he was apologizing for the big, messy, grassy, puddle of puke on the carpet.

“Aww, Reggie. It’s okay,” I told him. How could I be angry at that face? Meditating and writing were moving to the bottom of my list. Deep breath.

Deanna

Poem #29: “Deaf”

By Sam K. (age 9)

Some people say noise hurts their head
Some people say they wish they were dead
all because it’s oh so loud
but I am absolutely wowed
for I cannot hear a thing
not a single jingle or a ring
I cannot think of the
cause of it
maybe because I am
deaf

Deanna

Poem #23: “Flight”

In a dream
flying over
a black sea
dark and cold
arctic cold

Fast, in sync
birds in flight
knowing when to turn
speed up, slow down
together

Passing over seals
shining
switching sides
striped dolphins
close enough to touch

Beluga whales
gibbous moons
in all their majesty
and I hear him
whispering

Mommy, did you see that?
Aren’t they amazing?
voiceless now
awake
cold

Deanna

Poem #22: “Earth”

On a bike ride
we found a lost ball,
a huge plaything
cornered by the wind
in a drainage ditch.

Caked with dirt,
we noticed it looked
like Earth,
A blue marble
under the grime.

Sam begged to keep it.
So we brought it home,
hosed it down,
cared for it, and the Earth-ball
shined again.

It blew in the wind
and orbited the fenced yard.
I can still see him catching it,
holding up the planet,
laughing—

He had the whole world
in his hands.

Deanna

Phrases #19: “Powerful”

By Sam K. (age 8)

• Warm spring rain
• Cool blast of air
• I’d give up anything for you.
• Hot summer sand
• Warm, green ocean water
• Let the force be with you
• I love you deeper than the ocean
• With great power, comes great responsibility